Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Is he ever going to Quit? Lasting effects of Domestic Violence

For 24 years I ve been a seeker.  Trying to "get over" what happened years ago,  I ve tried counseling, ignoring it, therapists, psychiatry (reluctantly), denial, talking about it to other survivors, even built a website for survivors and volunteered to help others like me. 

There is no getting over it, but there is a making peace with it and accepting the fact that it has happened and while  you may be changed,  you are not damaged, not the whore/slut/worthless whatever he called you while the blows rained down.  You are loved and strong and a survivor.

And then, one day, this year,  I was told by yet another Dr.  (one of the many docs I "trusted" ( and argued with ) that I might not be mentally interesting, but I might be brain damaged.  

Yea Me!  wait. Is that Better?  hmmm  I am really frustrated... no scratch that... PISSED  that no one put this together for 13 years.   I have been doped up on the wrong medications, wasted time, energy, got an addiction, tried suicide 4 times and been labeled many things by the  medical profession..... all for a wrong diagnosis.

This summer was a battery of tests by a neurologist, a specialist in for the vertigo, MRIs, EEGs, EKGs, neuropschyologists who did 15 hours of testing on me over the course of a month.   Then the waiting for results began.  Apparently I am highly intelligent.  Wow. I never knew that.  But I am sorely lacking in certain areas because of Traumatic Brain Injury.  I also have severe back and neck problems from this past 25 year old abuse.

Now  I began new  and different medications because of the diagnosis

Apparently, being kicked in the head, car accidents and other head inuries will disable the frontal lobe.  My brain has so far shrunk 6 mm and I have beginning stages of dementia, for which I am on an Alzheimers med.  I was also put on something to help my memory and distractability which overwhelmed me with panic.  Along with vitamin B12, thyroid junk and a pre diabetic med, these are to slow the progression of further damages.  Yea me.

I do not want to be a burden to my child 15 years from now.  I would like to function like normal folks. :)  Did yall know that your brain controls alot of your body functions?  hehe I kinda took that for granted but then again, never paid attention.  Wetting your pants alot?   getting lost in familiar streets?  cant figure out simple math anymore? there ya go.

24 years after the fact, Andy is still haunting my life.  I was (and still am a bit) pissed off no end!  thankfully, I have an active 12 step program, part of which involves:

1.  Trusting a Higher Power  ( which took me forever because for years I was my higher power, totally incontrol of my life... which I resoundly did a terrible job)

2.  learned how to do an inventory and clearing out of the resentments and garbage that was ruining my life.

3. staying in contact with this Power on a daily basis through prayer, meditation.
4. and helping others to keep my ego and selfish needs at bay.

( there is more steps like forgiveness and amends for wrongs I ve done to others and asking God to remove my grosser handicaps)  These I work on Daily.

The ones bulleted though have helped me see my part in my life situations though and have the courage and love to face them.     Next issue I ll talk about what I learned with my sponsor's help.

Regardless of my anger and feelings though:  I stay on my meds and follow doctors orders, no matter side effects. AND I DO NOT DRINK OR ABUSE DRUGS.   That would totally defeat the purpose of all this obviously LOL.

I have also found that, while God has lifted much trials from me, healed my liver, restored my family and cured my illness, he has not lifted my mental issues.  I had to come to terms with that.


  1. Oh, my dear, I feel ya. I was not beaten or punched. I suffered 50 years of Mental abuse, I've been called crazy and so on, by my parents and step parents and husbands and employers; it's worst when it comes from the ones who say that they are Helping you. I have wasted SO MUCH time with anti depressants and talk therapy and pastors and lawyers and thieves and drugs and all that. One thing they all agreed on, though, was that it was definitely all my fault. Now I am realizing how strong I really am, I have survived it and I am carving out my niche for the second half of my life. Strength to you, and kudos for your website and your jewellery and your good works. Much love, from another Texan.

  2. thanks gina. I realised this weekend, no matter how" independent" tough or resilient we are, it still sticks with us.

    A still callous word from a parent, a new husband who makes a lil joke can send me into a tailspin questioning everything I am. Even though I am thoroughly convinced I am exactly who God loves and thinks I am fine. Its that scared lil kid or person inside that creeps out periodically when some asshat pronounces judgement on who or what I should do.

    When all I want to say is Kiss my grits.