PTSD A Recurring Suck fest of Fun.

I have to face a sad fact tonight. I am not the brave chick I thought I was. I have not been the smartest cookie in the box of Nilla wafers. I have coped with my issues as best I could, but I have lied to myself to save face, to keep trudging. Tonight I attened a womens group for Domestic Violence. I have shared my story many times in public and in theraputic settings. I rarely cry about it, because it is the past and not much can be done about it. Its done. Whining doesnt fix it. Learning about why I do the things I do is what I try to focus on. Solutions not problems.


I think I am fairly brave and strong. When I am standing in front of a crowd telling my story, or at an art show, selling my Jewelry, I have no problem. I traveled the world alone in my previous career as a cruise agent.

Sail to Southampton on the Queen Elizabeth II and take the Orient Express to London, Chunnel over to Paris and Jet home on the Concorde with 30 customers? No problem! Cruise the Greek Isles and Turkey? Wandering the streets of Istanbul, exploring the Aga Sofia and the Blue Mosque? Piece a cake. Flying standby in countries where I could not speak the language? easypeasy. I even slept through a crash during take off with a flock of gulls which took out an engine and we had to emergency land in Franfurt. ( Ok that worried me a bit)

But this residual PTSD from my past assaults has me stumped! I have gone through therapy off and on for 14 years. Been under a doctors care for most of that, medicated often, suicide attempts four times for the real serious ones, hospital trips, and countless nights of trying to sleep with the lights and tv on.

Tonight I sat with women who have been through what I have been. I listened to their stories, my story, from their mouths. And I began to cry. For the woman whose daddy blackmailed her, or for the one who is still hurting or the ones from the shelter in town. the ones who just got away, the ones with fresh marks. The one who was lifting me up while she was still in pain. I felt God tonight in the healing, sharing simple words of these women. I shared what I had learned about my long journey and how scared I still am. I dont need to be brave in front of them.

They understand. I understand the words of anger, the self hatred, the confusion, the fear of ever trusting myself again.

PTSD is not something everyone gets apparently. Some soldiers or firemen or witnesses of accidents or crimes can get it, based on what their personal make up and histories are. Symptoms include, jumpiness, exagerrated startle response, depressions, anger, rage, nervousness, flashbacks at times based on triggers and that sort of thing. ( can be a scent of Irish Spring for me and I ll start trembling and crying)

One Dr told me once, that I had a severe case of it and I dismissed him. Not me. I m super woman. I can handle my life Dr Man...

Bad thing about denial is you dont know you are in it while you are in it! I have tried for years to be just like everyone else. Refusing to believe that some cretinous man could take away any part of my soul, my brain. He already took a piece of my body, I would be damned if I was going to give him one more minute of my life. I stuffed it away in a box and shoved it into the recesses of the basement of my soul, never to see the light of day. ( I planned)

Unfortunately, If one doesnt deal with big issues like rape, molestation, abuse, or any other trauma from earlier times, one WILL be facing it. The brain saves us for so long, but when it says its time, your body is safe, or "I cant take it no more" Ka Boom! Out explodes every oozy creepy nasty thought and memory you thought you successfully and neatly evaded.

After talking with these women, hugging them, and hearing their walks, battles and fears, I am surprised at how easily I was able to admit my fears and my anger when I couldnt get that far in months of a therapist's office! Maybe this group can help me move past this hatred of mankind, myself and my choices of my past. (I know I didnt choose what happened when I was 6, but the adult mind, tries to blame me. ) And apparently I am not alone. I am not alone.

Aint this something? Cops charged with DV get to keep their Jobs.

click here for full story
In a nut shell.. this is from the Tenessean news

opening  quote:
At least 10 Metro Police officers have been arrested on domestic violence charges in the last five years. Eight of those were allowed to keep their jobs after their arrests, and the remaining two cases are pending. Discipline for improper conduct stemming from those arrests has ranged from a two- to an eight-day suspension. In one of the latest cases, Officer Jeffrey Sells resigned before he could be disciplined for a 2009 arrest.


 read on for more disgusting tidbits....

so if these idiots do this at home what do they do to the public?  Chances are they are good hiding behind that mask that abusers wear.  Charming charismatic, successful, positions of power ( sometimes)  or lack of male  efficiency  ie impotent little men who get into places of power.  Why do the psych tests not show this propensity of violence.

Too proud for a widget?

Ok, I have finally deciphered this blog thing, set it up after 5 hours of experimentation and I finally feel like a big girl. About time. I can handle tons of things; I have done so for years including being a single mom! What is it about technology that scares the tar out of people like me? Is it perhaps my age? or rather, my generation? What's a widget and why do I need to know about it?

I grew up thinking I had to do everything on my own, to never be beholden to anyone. So it kills my pride to ask for help. But everytime I do, I grow a bit more spiritually as it lessens my grip on that stupid pride thing. If I cannot ask for help here on earth, how can I ask for help from my heavenly Father? So rather than feeling "less than", I have learned today by humbling myself to ask for help, I can let go of the deadly affliction of self.

I am unsure exactly how this blog will evolve because I am constantly evolving. I design jewelry, but that has been a outgrowth of my past which has been filled with not so many great people or things, misery of my own making. Now I design and create beautiful things as a way of raising money and awareness for Domestic Violence and Rape survivors. ( and to put my kid through college)

I hope you find yourself at home here. I would love to hear from you about learning to outgrowing your pride and how you are dealing with it.