PTSD A Recurring Suck fest of Fun.

I have to face a sad fact tonight. I am not the brave chick I thought I was. I have not been the smartest cookie in the box of Nilla wafers. I have coped with my issues as best I could, but I have lied to myself to save face, to keep trudging. Tonight I attened a womens group for Domestic Violence. I have shared my story many times in public and in theraputic settings. I rarely cry about it, because it is the past and not much can be done about it. Its done. Whining doesnt fix it. Learning about why I do the things I do is what I try to focus on. Solutions not problems.


I think I am fairly brave and strong. When I am standing in front of a crowd telling my story, or at an art show, selling my Jewelry, I have no problem. I traveled the world alone in my previous career as a cruise agent.

Sail to Southampton on the Queen Elizabeth II and take the Orient Express to London, Chunnel over to Paris and Jet home on the Concorde with 30 customers? No problem! Cruise the Greek Isles and Turkey? Wandering the streets of Istanbul, exploring the Aga Sofia and the Blue Mosque? Piece a cake. Flying standby in countries where I could not speak the language? easypeasy. I even slept through a crash during take off with a flock of gulls which took out an engine and we had to emergency land in Franfurt. ( Ok that worried me a bit)

But this residual PTSD from my past assaults has me stumped! I have gone through therapy off and on for 14 years. Been under a doctors care for most of that, medicated often, suicide attempts four times for the real serious ones, hospital trips, and countless nights of trying to sleep with the lights and tv on.

Tonight I sat with women who have been through what I have been. I listened to their stories, my story, from their mouths. And I began to cry. For the woman whose daddy blackmailed her, or for the one who is still hurting or the ones from the shelter in town. the ones who just got away, the ones with fresh marks. The one who was lifting me up while she was still in pain. I felt God tonight in the healing, sharing simple words of these women. I shared what I had learned about my long journey and how scared I still am. I dont need to be brave in front of them.

They understand. I understand the words of anger, the self hatred, the confusion, the fear of ever trusting myself again.

PTSD is not something everyone gets apparently. Some soldiers or firemen or witnesses of accidents or crimes can get it, based on what their personal make up and histories are. Symptoms include, jumpiness, exagerrated startle response, depressions, anger, rage, nervousness, flashbacks at times based on triggers and that sort of thing. ( can be a scent of Irish Spring for me and I ll start trembling and crying)

One Dr told me once, that I had a severe case of it and I dismissed him. Not me. I m super woman. I can handle my life Dr Man...

Bad thing about denial is you dont know you are in it while you are in it! I have tried for years to be just like everyone else. Refusing to believe that some cretinous man could take away any part of my soul, my brain. He already took a piece of my body, I would be damned if I was going to give him one more minute of my life. I stuffed it away in a box and shoved it into the recesses of the basement of my soul, never to see the light of day. ( I planned)

Unfortunately, If one doesnt deal with big issues like rape, molestation, abuse, or any other trauma from earlier times, one WILL be facing it. The brain saves us for so long, but when it says its time, your body is safe, or "I cant take it no more" Ka Boom! Out explodes every oozy creepy nasty thought and memory you thought you successfully and neatly evaded.

After talking with these women, hugging them, and hearing their walks, battles and fears, I am surprised at how easily I was able to admit my fears and my anger when I couldnt get that far in months of a therapist's office! Maybe this group can help me move past this hatred of mankind, myself and my choices of my past. (I know I didnt choose what happened when I was 6, but the adult mind, tries to blame me. ) And apparently I am not alone. I am not alone.

Dealing with Trauma: up close and personal, what I have learned lately

Therapist called me the night of the shooting and told me she was making a special appointment for me the next day....cus she said women like me, did not know what "normal" feelings are in certain cases.  She was right.

I learned that I would feel alot of feelings and that they would overlap: fear, grief, anger, depression, rage, terror, nightmare etc.

The best and fastest way I always dealt with it was to ignore it. Say "it" (the event) never happened cept those are the old ways and I am here to say from my experiences, that way doesnt work.  It eventually comes to the surface when the brain says it is time, the body eventually follows.

So now, with witnessing the shooting and all the aftermath, I m learning a new, crappy way of slogging through it. There is no other way to deal with a trauma, whether it be rape, incest, domestic violence, molestation, gunfire, kidnapping or war.  One must face the feeling, accept it and release it. I am learning that it is ok to be me, feel what I feel and accept myself exactly as I am at this point. ( I am feeling a lot of edginess and anger right now). Sometimes I am full of gratitude though.

I make a list of what is beautiful in life. I tape the lists around the home and carry one in my head.  It can be as small as breathing free air in a country where I am free to worship as I please, or how wonderful the day is. Or how my daughters smile touches my heart.

If you are going through therapy or wondering if it would help, I encourage you not to give up. Sometimes life is what it is.  Some people get to deal with more than others and I know, for me, that I must turn and do the thing I dont want to do, to get the results I didnt expect to get.  Everything screams be afraid, stay home, avoid thinking ( cus my brain keeps trying to make sense of the senseless) but I know that I must face things and keep on going. That is all there is. Most of all, I know that God's hand is upon me, the love He has for me, sometimes is all I need.

God bless you.

A Good Day for A Shooting

Yesterday, I stopped by a friend's truck for a quick chat because I hadnt seen him in awhile. It was beautiful, dry temp and spring like day.  I was on my way to the post office with an order, a couple of minutes wouldnt hurt. Then onward to the Courthouse to get new plates for my new Jeep!  I hugged one friend goodbye and chatted with the other.

I heard a rasp of gravel flying and two guys (one, my friend I had just hugged) acting like testerone-driven dinks. Yelling at each other, it escalated cus one wouldnt unblock the driveway.  My friend has a bad leg from an accident and wears a brace and has a huge limp. The old guy stays in his truck, my friend limps out of his truck and is livid. He grabs a bat and starts slowly forward yelling at the other guy.  My other friend and I are yelling at him to let it go , the guy isnt worth it.

He turns around and is limping back to his vehicle when the old guy lunges HIS truck at his back. the guy gets mad again and goes to the guys window yelling get out of the truck twice. and then BANG.

No warning no words.. just shot him. My friend flies back into a ditch about 8-10 feet. It was like in the movies..it looked so fake.  Until I saw the blood, and Steve climbing up out of the ditch stumbling towards me.  The old guy gets out of the truck with his gun and follows my friend.   we are scrambling to dial the phones, to get help and keep the old geezer from getting us. I thought Steve was dying. He said "Cindy I m not going to make it, call my mom, tell her I love her."

I m trying to stop the blood, find something to bandage him, find the gunshot wound b/c the blood was all over.  This entire time the creep is standing over us just feet away, watching Steve cry out for his mom.  I was on the phone with dispatch with police and 911 ( weird) cus both were talking to me and I was doing a million things in seconds.  One wanted info on the shooter, description, car etc, the other is telling me to keep steve conscious. I keep thinking the guy is going to get rid of witnesses or finish the job.  I looked right at him as I gave the description, but I was thinking, he knows I m telling the cops all about him. What if he shoots me?  I froze and just did what I had to cus I wasnt going to let steve lay there and die because I saw that motorcyclist die alone  6 months ago.  I have never seen such a big hole in anyone.  Someone said it was a .357 but the gun didnt look that big.

I told dispatch he had the gun, I told first responders and cops that he had it with him, but he disappeared for awhile during our wait ( I kept thinking he was going to shoot  us from behind) My firefighter Fiance has told me about the procedures regarding weapons /shootings when they go on calls and I didnt want any of his fellow fire fighters hurt.

I am so jumpy right now.  Steve was life flighted and had surgery til 10 last night. Witnesses were separated and waited four hours to talk to the detective.  I answered a jillion questions in between hyperventilating. My PTSD is horrid.  I keep seeing all that blood on my hands and legs... the clothes were beside my car...in a pool of blood.  I couldnt help but pray for the first hour when I watched the copter take off but we couldnt call or speak to anyone.  I was going nuts not knowing and the cops eventually had to let the shooter go.  It is going to Grand Jury later. 

This guy has done stuff to harass people, especially women in the last 14 years. He was on the news for being such a racist jerk during Obama's bid for election. He has shot one womans dogs cus she tried to get away from his harassment, he has stalked another and her kids ( she had to call the cops and they cant arrest him til three events like showing up at her house or hitting her car again with his truck)  in short, a mental case.  His last arrest was in 1997 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Which is a felony.  So why does he have guns? ( yep plural)  Because he pled to a misdemeanor and got 1 year probation.  NO JAIL. NO FELONY. GET GUNS.  The ass actually walked by my windo after he was not charged by the DA, and said " hi " with a smirk, trying to intimidate me.  AInt Texas Great??

In the meantime, I may or may not get to press charges. ( my shrink told me once, if you want to stop being a vctim, I need to stop acting like one, ie press charges, stand up for my rights etc)

 The Sgt I spoke to this evening is an absolute wanker, thank goodness I had a witness to his rude abusive language.  The guy kept saying why didnt you run if you were so afraid.  You must not have been that afraid if you stuck around, I thought you said he was 5 feet away, now you say standing over you...  blah blaah .  What??? I did not think of running from a bullet, I figured it would catch my fat ass.  anything from me kneeling on the ground is standing over me...duh!  He said he didnt point it at you, how could you be scared.

I finally told the guy that I was an innocent bystander and he had no right to talk to me like that. My only crime was trying to help a wounded man and call for help.   It was a traumatic thing as it was and he was making it worse. I told him that I was a rape survivor and I froze cus that is what I do. I m sorry I didnt behave the way he thought I should.   I asked for his supervisors name and he changed his attitude, but only shortly.  I did not hear back from the detective ( I had to go thru Sgt Weenerhead) so I called again today and met him face to face.  He was even ruder than last night.  He finally stared at me with those  lizard cop eyes and said are you done?  Told him I was, with HIM.    I m filing a complaint monday.

Sickening.

I would hate to see his empathy with a child abuse victim or a murdered womans  family.  Cops like that give others a bad name IMO.  All the way round a sucky situation and I am shaking off and on for the last two days.  I am pissed off that any of this had to happen.

Oh, and for the idiots who say get ahold of it. You werent there, you didnt look into his eyes, nor flinch worrying your friends were going to be killed. and for the asshole who asked why didnt you and T. take the gun away from the old crazy coot?  F off.

Aftermath: Mental Health

Being vicitmized by an abuser or a rapist is life changing.  Not only is your body not your own any longer, often the state is involved, you have hospital bills, counseling, crying jags, inability to trust, inability to function, denial, anger, grief, despair. The list can go on ad nauseum.

It is typical for a survivor to experience Post traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, substance abuse issues and a myriad of other illnesses, including the fear of AIDS and pregnancy. 

The faster one gets help in dealing with these issues, regardless if one reports, the faster one can begin to cope with their changed existence.  I know many women who feel shame and blame thus will not report it to authorities.  that is your choice.  I did not report mine after the first time and I was not believed.  But that was years ago when women were not treated the same as today.  However, I still was conditioned to suffer in silence.  Once I found my voice and began speaking out, I regret not reporting and trying to take back my life. There are nights I wonder if some other woman is suffering what I did because I did not do something more.

I search the net for their names to see if they come up in other news stories. 

 I am certain that my shame has set me on a path far different than if I had faced it early on with therapy and perhaps reporting.  I only share this to encourage, urge, beg of you who have had this tragic crime against you, to get help. You are not alone. You are not to blame.

therapy or perhaps a group support system can help you face what you are stuffing deep down inside.  My Dr told me about " one of the most severe cases of PTSD" blah blah and I asked him why he was telling me about this.. he works with veterans and is a vet of two wars so how can I be like a veteran and be WORSE than a combat veteran?? I m just me. I ve lived this way for so long, I dont notice the water rising up to swallow me alive.  Well, dummy, he has the diplomas and I am paying him so I might start listening... DUH.

turns out that people who volunteer for combat or firefighting or policing are prepared more for dealing with trauma.  trauma usually happens to others in their line of work ( and I am in no way minimizing their heroic work and pain from doing these things.  My fiance is a firefighter and a veteran)  but it turns out, trauma is more, well, traumatic, when it is unexpected and it happens to you, especially if it is an ongoing process like DV.  Or if you are a child abuse survivor, or kidnapping etc.

so word to the wise, please, be good to yourself. You didnt ask for this, it isnt fair, it isnt right, but it is your problem now.  Get help. You are loved and special and need to be nurtured.