Friday, October 15, 2010

Getting rid of Demons of the Past

I m going to share how I dealt with the Badniversary this year... it was kicking my keister worse than ever.

I will share in a general way about the past but if you are a new survivor or a current abused woman, it may trigger you. I trust you know to take care of yourself with your team of friends/supporters.   This may or may not help you. 

I have been meaning to write this since my last blogger, but I have found myself unwilling to share it publicly until now.  Its like getting thrown off a bike, skinned my knee and turned into a weenie.  But I got to get back on the bike no matter how spooked I am.

I was gang raped in 1997, drugged with most of it is blank.  Which is either a blessing or a curse cus the imagination really works overtime.   I remember a few images and thats all I need to say.   Rohypnol is called the date rape drug and makes one suggestible to orders even if it goes against ones morals or desires.  ( saw that on a documentary on PBS)

Anyways... it triggered memories from abuse I never worked out from years past.  I stuffed that old carp and moved my happy butt on down the road.  Which apparently is not the way to handle it.  Every memory came rushing back with full intensity in 1998 ( well over the course of a few months).  So listen to experience, do NOT wait to deal with stuff!  Cus stuff comes looking for you.

On to the purging. I have an American Indian friend who believes in cleansing properties of fire and rituals.   He suggested that I get some GI Joes or some figures and do what I need to do and then burn them.  Well, I wasnt going to burn the dang things in my bathtub.  Turns out plastic is illegal to burn btw.  My buddy Pete was having a bonfire the next night so I decided this might be the ticket.

Off to the dollar store, bought some small stuffed pigs ( and bears) and turned on the telly for an hour of mutilations.... The church channel which had not worked for a year, pops on. It was Charles Stanley, one of my fave teachers of scripture.  So I needed noise, left the Sermon on and set off to destuffing, taping and stabbing the piggies with nail files or little paring knife. 

I started hearing the sermon by the time I got to 6th one ( I included all bastards that were eating my serenity including the ones from childhood and dear old Dad who abandoned us).  Turns out that God has a wicked sense of timing and humour.  The sermon was on forgiveness.  well bully.  Now I m stabbing with less fervor... and finally felt stupid as I muddled thru. 

DISCLAIMER  This is not voodoo or whatever... I was just getting rid of images and memories... not burning the dudes. that is for God to judge. 

I tossed them in the bonfire one by one after saying a prayer, with two women stand near me and behind me for support. I cried and it was done.  I felt lighter.  I sat and meditated for awhile, watching the embers float up to the sky.  I was thinking those were the shells of the memories and God was taking them from me.  

1 comment:

  1. Good for you! I'm glad you found a way to banish some of the demons. You deserve to be happy-hear me? You deserve to be happy!! Just tell yourself a couple of times a day that Susan says you deserve to be happy-because you do.