Monday, April 12, 2010

Who do you admire the most?

My daughter was given this assignment in class one year.  I was so surprised that she chose me as her subject. I had been sober about 2 months, having suffered from a Rx addiction after a gang rape.  ( Psycho meds are some strong stuff!!)

She still carries the scars of my disease upon her, but she is and was very forgiving of my fall as her mother. ( I was in my disease for 2.5 years and she lived with my mom for most of it)  But it left its mark on her.  I can only make a living amends to her, trying to change my life to make her proud, to own up to my problems and to accept responsibility for my part in things and in my actions.  Words mean nothing when one has broken the heart of a child over and over.

We are close now, thanks be to God! She was the reason I sought shelter at a church when I was homeless and told I was going to die soon.  It was a turning point because I wanted to see her again someday.  She literally saved me, prayed for me in her little church she went to each week.  She told me much later when I tired to sell an old necklace at a garage sale, " No! You cant sell that, you gave it to me when I thought you were going to die!" 

Mindboggling the destruction we selfish parents wreak on our families over our sickness.  Drugs and Alcohol were my god, and I had no thoughts for her, only a way to numb the pain.

This beautiful child believed in me, even  when I relapsed. She loved me through and despite my many failures.  And ironically, I was speaking of MY own mom tonight to someone, and I feel the same about her, her past alcoholism and her recovery over the last 27 years.  I admired her because she taught me how to fix my car, to never take no for an answer, to be tenacious, bullheaded and independent

I held two jobs and went to college full time whilst pregnant out in LA. I finally got fired from waitressing b/c of the size of my scared customers LOL!  When the time came I drove myself to the hospital and drove us home after giving birth.  I never married nor had a real relationship for any time until recently.  Oh the things we learn from our parents.  I would not trade my mom for the world. even though she drives me nuts.  She likes to send me on guilt trips ( and packs my bags too). 

I have just learned I dont have to board that train, pick up the bags.  I hope my precious daughter can do the same.

Please feel free to share your inspiration and your admirable people!!!

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