Monday, March 29, 2010

Dealing with Trauma: up close and personal, what I have learned lately

Therapist called me the night of the shooting and told me she was making a special appointment for me the next day....cus she said women like me, did not know what "normal" feelings are in certain cases.  She was right.

I learned that I would feel alot of feelings and that they would overlap: fear, grief, anger, depression, rage, terror, nightmare etc.

The best and fastest way I always dealt with it was to ignore it. Say "it" (the event) never happened cept those are the old ways and I am here to say from my experiences, that way doesnt work.  It eventually comes to the surface when the brain says it is time, the body eventually follows.

So now, with witnessing the shooting and all the aftermath, I m learning a new, crappy way of slogging through it. There is no other way to deal with a trauma, whether it be rape, incest, domestic violence, molestation, gunfire, kidnapping or war.  One must face the feeling, accept it and release it. I am learning that it is ok to be me, feel what I feel and accept myself exactly as I am at this point. ( I am feeling a lot of edginess and anger right now). Sometimes I am full of gratitude though.

I make a list of what is beautiful in life. I tape the lists around the home and carry one in my head.  It can be as small as breathing free air in a country where I am free to worship as I please, or how wonderful the day is. Or how my daughters smile touches my heart.

If you are going through therapy or wondering if it would help, I encourage you not to give up. Sometimes life is what it is.  Some people get to deal with more than others and I know, for me, that I must turn and do the thing I dont want to do, to get the results I didnt expect to get.  Everything screams be afraid, stay home, avoid thinking ( cus my brain keeps trying to make sense of the senseless) but I know that I must face things and keep on going. That is all there is. Most of all, I know that God's hand is upon me, the love He has for me, sometimes is all I need.

God bless you.

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