Well, I been a busy chick. Last week a dimwitted "man" ( and I mean that in the loosest term) actually pushed me into a wall cus I stepped on his toe. This was in a public meeting place with approximately 30 people in attendance. No one said anything or did much. Especially after the meeting when a couple of men got pissed cus I mentioned to someone that I was disillusioned with certain men who did not take the knucklehead outside to calm him down and ask him to return when he came down from his high. I try to be fair minded and compassionate; the guy is sick and needs prayer and rehab, maybe I should have called the cops cus they might have gotten his attention.
Did I flip out and punch him? Did I shove him? Press charges? Yell at him? Let's just say I have a long way to grow. I am too compassionate to want to hurt someone who is obviously sick and still high on drugs. But it was only a push. HA! so I paid for my chickenshit ways. PTSD triggered, Fiance out of town and pissed as hell. I had to talk him out of coming home early to "discuss" it with the idiot. I was in shock and still pulled the same behavior that I did when I was a kid and young woman. I froze.
That sickens me. Women seem to either have the fight, flight or freeze mechanism especially after repeated abuse. I m a freezer.
When will I become the woman I want to be? I have sworn I would never allow a man to put hands on me again and yet I sure as hell didnt plan ahead for the "what ifs". If ya want to stop being victimised, ya got to do non-victim behavior. (like calling the cops). I did decide that some friendships I thought I had with certain men were not worth the paper they are written on. How does a 45 year old man stand there and let some creep scream obscenities at a friend? What is wrong with these asshats? One said he was not the guys keeper, and didnt want to tell ppl how to act yet in the same instance screamed at me to quit whining about something so small.
Pathetic I didnt see what jerks these two "men" really were. Which makes me just as upset. My fiance couldnt touch me this weekend, no hugs, no cuddling because I was jumping out of my skin. That kid wasnt standing there, it was my ex. ( the one that used to lock me in the house, measure my mileage, choke me if dinner was late, or I didnt bring his beer fast enough, all the while calling me names ( you gals who have been through this no exactly what I mean). What chaps my hide more than anything is that the SOB is still in my head and my life 20+ years later regardless of what I do to get rid of him.
when am I going to be like I was? When can I kick some ass?
(((hugs)))
ReplyDeletethanks toots. I am all brave in my mind... a superhero behind a screen. but real life asshats still exist and scare the tar out of me.
ReplyDeletemy domestic violence was so long ago and it comes right back in vivid memories and smells and sights. BLECH. Wonder if I had pulled a taser on the dipsydoodle if I would have been arrested? If those who watched it happen would have stopped it then?
Lots of questions and what ifs. Reminds me of the aftermath of the rapes. I feel for each of us who have suffered at the hands of bullies like this before.