Friday, February 12, 2010

At an Impass

I am angry. I am enraged in fact.  It overcame me the middle of last week when I finally started feeling something other than shame and guilt for having been raped, beaten and almost murdered.

I cant do a damn thing about it. Those bastards don't have the joy of therapy, of poking at horrible thoughts and "feelings" ( she said sneeringly). of struggling with suicidal thoughts or homicidal rages. I started therapy so I could "feel" which I have managed to avoid for years. I cannot change my past so why the hell go back there?  but for some stupid ass reason, the human brain is connected to the body and when it decides it is time to "face" things, your body shuts down to get your attention...usually in some bizzare way like seeing leprechauns at Best Buy, crying non stop no matter what you are doing or talking to the radio noises in your head ( or maybe that was the other guy?). So a couple of years ago I started the archeaology of cindy.  It wasn't even interesting. and I get to pay people to be helpful.

I feel so violated and so out of control of anything in my life at this moment.  I am 45 years old and I have coped for years, first with hard work, then with drugs and alcohol to avoid functioned fairly well for quite awhile.  Why now God? why do I get to remember NOW?? I have a life to lead, a business to run, a fiance to treat nice. ( the poor bastard gets the brunt of all the wreckage of my childhood assaults and my ex)  Thank God he is patient and loves me.  It takes a special man to love a rape and DV survivor. So if you have one, treat him as nice as you can...

Back to me... I am struggling like I am running in oatmeal, unable to face people without fear or the flipside: anger.

Some assinine bitch in my AA group has been irritating me for 6 weeks and I been praying for her. She has double digit sobriety and has forgotten out first tradition: Unity for the group, b/c our personal welfare depends on it.  Instead she snipes, snarks and is just a negative person who can do some serious harm to someone's ..( MINE)... self image.

She is but a symbol, a lightening rod for whatever storm I m going through since I cannot go kick dad's grave ( dont know where it is anyways) I know Im screwed up cus my daddy was a dickhead and abandoned us.  Whoopee.  So get on with life right? Mom was a drunk who worked all the time... some actually function as a drunk!
  Big news that I grew up to be one too.  I have been clean and sober for almost 7 years and had some measure of gratitude, love, peace and serenity. Now all of a sudden this rage engulfs me and is threatening to wipe out all that love and peace.  I dont think that God wants that for me.  I've decided to stop praying for that ungrateful cow and go against our "belief" that it is selfish to pray for ourselves.. unless it benefits others.  Well, it would benefit others if i was not a loony bitch ready to break off the next finger wagger's finger and stick it up their ass. 

I am a weenie. I do not fight therefore these feelings are so bizzare, so alien.  My therapist said I am not a victim, I was victimized but that I am a survivor.  I dont want to survive,. I want to live. to be normal and to get on with being a mom, a friend, a lover an artist.

No more meetings, no more therapy, brainscans for brain injuries, no more tears, no more doc appts and medications. Are those sorry bastards who did that to me outlaying the money, the time, expense>??? are there other victims that are like me? Why didnt I press charges??

Late at night, I search the net to see if they have been arrested for harming others. I hate to think of all the women  being hurt like this. I want justice and that will never happen. I want to scream..scream in my car , scream in line at the grocery, scream off the balcony

. Its not fair! I didnt ask for this.


  1. CC, my heart goes out to you. My thought is maybe you are angry b/c you have a solid sense of justice that won't go away. And that's good. We may not see justice served completely this life, but it WILL come; I know you believe that. I have had therapy, too, over the years, but I, too, have reached a point where digging, poking, and expressing my anger to the tune of $100 is no longer productive. I think the issue is (for me, at least) to love God with ALL my heart (no small order as that includes loving His will and His timing), and then to 'be still' concerning my feelings of retribution or calm myself in the solid knowledge that God sees, cares, and will execute justice as no Justice ever has before.

    Concerning the gal in your group; love does not always mean biting your tongue and praying through gritted teeth for those who irritate you. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to confront someone honestly about their irritating behavior. If done firmly, with tact and diplomacy, it can be an effective tool for change (which could reap real benefits for that person); and even if not well-received, it does wonders for your sense of self (if handled carefully) to have faced your issue with this person's commentary head on. Just concentrate on honestly addressing her words/behaviors that are irritating, not her personhood, and you will have no regrets later, regardless of outcome.

    Hang in there.

  2. I love you CC. You are not a weenie. You are a very courageous woman who is facing her past and trying to overcome it. You have grown so much in ways I'm sure you don't see and if I were to point them out to you I doubt you would admit the legitimacy of my observations. I agree with the poster above regarding the other woman at the group. If somehow, after prayerful consideration, you are given the words to confront the unacceptable behavior without attacking the person's character you will have not only let this individual know that you will no longer tolerate her abusive behavior but you will possibly give this person a reason to re-think their behavior and you will also serve as a good example to other women that we are not doormats and we do not bow before any man (or woman). This person has many fear and anger issues herself even with the double digit sobriety but much like the bully in the schoolyard deflects their own bad feelings by tormenting others I believe this person has found an easy target (so far). This does not have to continue. I have been told on multiple occasions by a very wise woman that we teach people how to treat us. As angry as I would get at that statement I had to after some time concede that this lady was right. Each time this woman is allowed to be snarky she is taught that it is ok to continue with that behavior as it won't be challenged. Time for a new lesson plan don't you think?

    CC, you are extremely intelligent and very capable of articulating what is wrong and why it is wrong while doing so in a dignified way. This is a gift and can be used to your advantage once you are ready. Pray, try to take the emotions out of it and address the unacceptable behavior. Simple but not easy.

    A person has a choice in how to react to something negative. They can be the victim or the victor. I believe you to be the victor.

    I pray that God continues to bless you and I would ask that you consider expanding your friendship / support circle just a little. There are women that would very much like to get to know you better and would be very supportive friends to you. While it's scary to let others in when trust is an issue, the rewards are worth it.

    God bless.

  3. CC, the first two posters said it all and put it far better than I could have. You are loved and admired and I know you will find a way through this forest of anger. I sense that the peace you seek is at the forest's edge. I wish we lived closer.