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Decoding Men's Oddball Love Signals
His gifts are terrible. He talks when you want him to listen. His idea of a date is take-out pizza on the couch. Is this your guy's notion of affection and romance? Well, actually, yes.
WebMD Feature from "Redbook" MagazineBy Ty Wenger
Fifteen years ago, I found myself in a romantic pickle: Cheryl, a woman I had been dating for about three months, was nearing her 25th birthday. The birthday gift in any three-month-old relationship is a dicey one, and I deliberated over it for weeks. Too big too soon and it could look like I was trying too hard. Too little and I might appear indifferent. Too romantic and I'd run the risk of setting the bar too high.
And so it was with great enthusiasm that I finally unveiled the gift. It was heavy — about 8 pounds. And big — the size of a bowling ball. In fact, as Cheryl discovered after excitedly tearing off the wrapping paper, it was a bowling ball. And not just any bowling ball, but a blue, personalized bowling ball ("The Spanker," the twin to the 12-pounder I had bought myself: "The Wanker"). And the pièce de résistance: Both balls came in matching brown pleather bags.
Hoisting the ball onto her lap, Cheryl turned to me. I saw several emotions pass across her face: shock, confusion, profound disappointment, then her dawning realization that how she responded to this present — this idiotic present — might well determine the fate of our relationship. She looked down, collected her thoughts, and raised her eyes to mine. "I love it!" she lied. "Let's go bowling tonight!"
Four years later, despite the bowling ball, Cheryl consented to marry me — and we have lived happily ever after. (And, yes, we still have the balls, and the pleather bags, and we bowl about as much as we did in the first three months of our relationship, which was almost never.) In fact, it could be argued that the success of our marriage owes, in part, to that very moment. Because on that day (and many, many days thereafter) my wife made a conscious choice: to see my hapless effort at romance not as a personal affront but as a love note written by a man in his own foreign language.
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well worth the reading..... cus I feel as if I am dealing with a foreign alien at times. ( I, who got nothing for birthday or anniversary this year would love to have a bowling ball!) Read on:
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So how, exactly, do we big dunderheads express our love for you? Let us count the ways.
To quote Cool Hand Luke (it's a guy thing), "What we got here is... failure to communicate" — a disconnect sown by the fact that men start lying from the moment we meet you. (Lying might be too strong a term. It's more like acting, or attempting to play the part of someone you might actually want to sleep with.) "A man is playing a role in the beginning of the relationship; so is the woman," Farrell says. "Eventually he acts more naturally — in ways that he never would on the first date — and it's hard for women not to end up feeling unappreciated."
Indeed, most guys will admit that during "the chase," we'll bend over backward to act all lovey-dovey, just the way you seem to like it. It's not as if sending flowers, cuddling on the couch, or tolerating your friends are natural acts for us. And once the chase has slowed to a crawl and we revert to our natural monosyllabic ways, your previously exceeded expectations suddenly go unmet.
As proof of this mating ritual, we offer Rob, 45, a shoe designer in Boston. "I've been married for 20 years now," he says. "And when we were first dating, I suppressed even the smallest burp. But familiarity breeds comfort, and these days I might show my love by, say, not closing the door of the bathroom while I'm using it. That's a married guy's way of saying, 'I love you so much that I'm opening up my entire world to you, even my most intimate moments.'"
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Uh, no thanks....
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Well, damn, this subject is too hot for a short comment. I had a bad husband and a good husband and now know the difference. The good husband was no good at present stuff and I'm pretty pragmatic, so would just tell him we were going shopping for my present and I'd get what I wanted. We were both stubborn and always right, so we'd fight like cats and dogs. (verbally!) HOWEVER...we had a great respect for each other, very similar values and really appreciated each other's sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteI've been alone for eight years now and sometimes I'd like companionship that doesn't bark, but I haven't met his equal and I won't settle for second best. Men and women are both on their best behavior during the courtship dance but when the nesting begins, basic decency shouldn't be the first to go. Nor should respect. The gift giving can be dealt with so long as it isn't a lack of caring or respect; if he just doesn't give a damn, that's another thing altogether.
well said... I m going to send you Duanes email and you can teach him.. hehehe
ReplyDeleteNaw, mineis pretty decent for the most part. I m a cougar, hes 10 years younger and at 35 they dont seem too courtly...maybe it is his generation. Our courtship should have told me he was not smooth and debonair... heheh
He still ate like he was in the AIrborne and was/is a fireman...bossy as heck but willing to risk al for others. Would die for me but cant not yell when he is pissed... aint that a corker? :)