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Saturday, September 19, 2009

Pee your Pants Funny Email Info-------------

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I no longer have lemon slices in my ice water at a restaurant without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person
was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose (although cell
phone usage may be overtaking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how
many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on a public bathroom
floor.

SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


ALSO, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl Penny Brown who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for
me..

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a
serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with
a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume
sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda
in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American
troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore , and
Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse
spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people

in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land

on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas

from 12 camels will infest your backside, causing you to grow

a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually

happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-

in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ....

Oh, by the way....A scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with
their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


___________________________________
Special thanks to my lovely friend Elizabeth... I had to share this with all of yall!

11 comments:

  1. OMG, CC, I am so glad I follow your blog! You are so funny! Thanks for more great reading!

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  2. Oh. My. Lord. You have me rolling! I know exactly who I am going to send this to for all the panic, fear driven emails I get from them.

    I found your blog from the Wacko from Waco thread....

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  3. Too funny!! Thanks for sharing that!

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  4. thanks CC for the giggle and didn't move my hand fast enough...just resting it there..right??

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  5. Too good- I love it. I get so sick of all those dumb rumors- 1 more that keep going around, my gym even posted it, they kept insisting it was going to happen even after the date passed-
    Warning! As of [enter a near date] cell phone will no longer be exempt from telemarketers, go to [bogus site] to enter your cell and be on the DONOT call list!

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  6. I loved it! Thank you for a great laugh CC

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  7. OMG, freaking hilarious! Thanks for a good laugh! :D

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  8. Found you from a an Etsy forum. This has to be one of the best things I have EVER read! Thank you, I SOOOO needed to smile!

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