Saturday, August 8, 2009


I ve been thinking alot about consequences this past week or two. We have them everyday based on choices we make ( or don't make). Some consequences seem trivial, some seem huge. Regardless though, it is the perception that means everything to the person undergoing that consequence. Why did so and so single me out? How come God left me? Why can't I catch a break? Maybe that is why some people hate to see others succeed and will do anything to sabotage it.

Some people seem born victors, whilst others revel in being whiny ass babies. Everyone's pain is so important to them and sometimes people cannot understand depths of pain; only their's matters. Selfish basterd hehe.

I used to say I would rather take a beating than verbal abuse cus the pain heals. I have learned lately that there is an even deeper pain and that is betrayal of trust. I mean, I have always known about that trust issue being broken. I have been both the liar and the lied to. Of course, in indignant rage I can feel justified in lashing back at people who lied or abused a trust. However, in the scheme of things, I am no better than they.

How often does one get outraged over some perceived injustice to a fellow human being, but yet creates the same chaos in others lives without thinking they did anything wrong? Been there, done that, got the t shirt.... And God help you if ya call me out on it, I might be forced to actually think about what I did and make an amends. ( which I will gladly do nowadays)

How hard it is to love one of God's kids because they are rude, mean or chickenshit? I hate liars. Probably because I ve been one for many a year. When I got sober, I learned it was impossible to rely on God and continue to defy Him. The closer I can get to Him, the more chance I have of trying to follow His will, not mine.

My will is full of pride and ego and pain. It is full of fear because I may not be liked or wanted. Pride that I can handle something that really should be left to the professional. I wonder what goes through other's brains, why they do what they do.

Ive seen that alot lately in dealing with this mess around me called life. Some people are so kind and send a birthday present without even knowing me, some are so caring they listen to you cry the pain away. Others laugh with you over your silly choices and thoughts or hold your hand through the consequences. But a few degenerate evil ones, absolutely mystify me. I keep trying to put logical thoughts to irrational, illogical behaviors.

Some times I just have to give those over to Him for the consequences. I worry so much about others instead of focusing on myself. Gets me a whole mess of chaos and not much thanks. I would urge those who have been abused to get the help they deserve. To seek out and face those fears that are holding you bondage. You dont have to be alone ever again, you dont have to be ashamed of what happened. Just get help.

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