Birthday ... AA style

Today was the celebration of our group's August birthdays. Our sobriety date is important IMO, to remind us of where we were and how far God has brought us. Tonight I celebrated with my "family" and I was truly grateful for my 6 years. Some had 19 years one guy had one year. Today was also sad because one of our group died this morning, but she had two years sober of which she was very proud. In my 6 years, I ve known 12 ppl to die of this disease directly or indirectly, which always makes me think, there, but for the Grace of God, go I.

The birthdays are for the newcomers to know that they too can make it with a Higher Power's help and the support of other drunks. It gives me hope and pause at the same time. It takes so little to throw one off the Pink Cloud, but yet, tomorrow is another day. I am only granted a daily reprieve based on my spiritual maintenance.

This is always a time of inner reflection for me, this whole month I mean, because of the many anniversaries in this month. My bellybutton birthday is this month as well. My father, with whom I had unfinished business since he disappeared when I was 6, died the day before that birthday. My brother decided to keep it from me that he was dying and waited until the day of to tell me dad was dead and that my brother had known for 3 months that he was dying. Needless to say, he is not a swell human being. I always thought "someday..." and then it came and went.

Lots of bitter pills.

Funny though how God can take those same things and turn them to an asset, to goad me into action. Pain is the touchstone of spiritual growth. That past has turned into something that I can help another suffering friend who is struggling with issues. Sure as hell isnt fun going through the teaching period though. Wouldn't it be great if I can learn and grow without getting my hand caught in the haybaler? But what motivation would I have? What fun I would miss without some bitchin and moaning?

I decided to start today with a great doc visit with a new lil souless,creep of a man. Nothing like sharing your medical history with someone who seems to judge you. Trying to explain scars on the body and arms from the rape, and his brusque questions werent the best start to a long friendship. The story in the news about that poor woman who has just escaped from her years of torture hasnt done much for my serenity either; my well meaning mom thinks it is something I would like to discuss it with her since "You got over it"... grrr I wish I could find a way to explain how well that really works. Sometimes, you just dont tell moms things that would upset them if they really knew what a survivor thinks, so I guess I look like I am over it. HA. On the other hand, friends tell me, you need to just get over it, it is already over, you feel too much. That can piss me off in 0-60 seconds. But thank goodness they don't really "get it". Cus only another survivor can understand what it is like. Family and friends must mean well; I don't think they stay up at night thinking of ways of tripping up someone's recovery.

Anyway, back to the saga of joys of new Doctors who dont speak english well...

No matter how much I tried to explain to the dip that I was clean and sober for the last 6 years, he kept asking me about using. Shite. I went for a referral for a Brain scan, not seeking drugs. I had to be urged ( ok scared) into even going for the dang referral since I hadnt had any more seizures since May and I figure if it aint hurting why bother? Well my other doc ( who supports scumbag recovering alcoholics ) set me straight on that whole brain injury/tumor/ wierd seizure thing. ( bastard) So no more playing ostrich for me. hehe

Most medical professionals are quite pleased and encouraging to the recovering alcoholic and addict. (it has been my experience) But the joys of our Medicare system, limits the doctors one can choose, so I m stuck with Dr.Knucklehead... but bet me bucko, he isn't going to be my gyno!

After making me cry with his nasty comments, I left and went to where I knew I could find a shoulder and some coffee. ( turns out that was a good thing, since my "normal" fiance doesnt seem to get how important tonight was since we have only been together for 5 years and how rough today was; he pouted and argued his way out of going to my celebration with my other family.) \

Thank God for my sobriety, my relationship with Him, my restored life with my daughter and my AA family.