Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Stress, stalking, and fear

I use this blog and my business to promote and to protect battered womens rights. I donate a portion of my sales to a center and this is why I am fed up with my online stalker. She is affecting other survivors to whom I donate.

YOU don't need to be a victim of stalking to have stress... this helps all you blessed ladies too! Feel free to skip the top bio part if need be.

Many of us have known a woman who has been stalked by a crazed person. Perhaps you are one yourself who has been filled with dread at the phone ringing or cringing at the point of opening your mails. The events of this last week have brought back vivid memories for me and that is part of the reason I decided to hold my ground against this vicious person.

Some of you know a lot of my story, some only pieces. I won't go into grisly detail as it really is no different for many of us who have had the bad luck of choosing the wrong person, or maybe being born into a family where someone did not cherish and protect you as a little girl. Maybe your Daddy left you and your family with no explanation, or maybe worse.

I have had bad traumas as a child and then as a young adult made choices based on my upbringing. Trying to fix what I could not in my past. Abandonment scared me, all I ever wanted was to be loved; at 8 yrs old I would cry myself to sleep at night wanting that love.

Fixing our pasts by dating or marrying someone who is just like dear old mom or dad does not work. The abuse and beatings were foreplay for rape for some of those men. It is about power and control. Checking the odometer or the clock or your change or not allowing one to work unless he controlled the money... some of you know the drill. Mine used to lock me in the house with the burglar doors when he left. When the beatings come it is almost a relief cus you know there will be a peace but eventually, the tension builds and he hurts you again. Or maybe he kicks you while you are pregnant and you miscarry. And still I stayed. I was too afraid to leave at that point.

At first I thought that was how families were, then I began to believe that was what
I deserved, I must be doing something wrong to make him so angry, didn't he say he loved me and tried so hard to fix himself with Dr appts and all.( for a month) Oh the lies we tell ourselves! Each time I grew less in his thrall, wanting to leave but seeing no way out. When the cops are called during one fight, they tell us to keep down and send me back in for more. ( the laws were different in 1984)
The times you escape and hide, each time he finds you , you get more paralysed. The stress does something to your brain. There is a study online here: you can click the title to get to the main page.

When under attack the primitive response of our brain is flight or fight. The adrenals flood your body with chemicals to prepare us for that. to quote:
to control the release of the hormone adrenalin, which in turn raises the level of tension in the muscles of the body so that they are prepared for greater physical exertion. It also makes the heart pump faster and more deeply, thus producing that uncomfortable awareness of one's heart pounding away like a hammer in one's chest. Besides these physical effects, adrenalin also stimulates our feelings of fear, anger and exhilaration.

A woman or child who has years of this stress, has many mental and physical problems from this exhaustion, anger, rage, fear, dread at the unknown, heart disease, poor decision making abilities, the inability to function in certain situations, deep depression, suicide, muscle tension, back problems and so on. The site listed above has a great deal of good information on all types of stress and how to alleviate some of it.

Many women suffer great hurts and pains at the hands of men and this follows us the rest of our lives. I so desperately do not want to be defined by what has happened to me in life, yet it has shaped me, irreparably. Later in life I was once again raped while pregnant; I lost the pregnancy when these two men did their horrid deed. However, I do not think that they thought for one minute the life sentence they had given me. I was prescribed medication and soon became addicted and slid down society's scale to a faceless nobody living on the streets after an assault and the stalker set fire to my apt. ( this is why I have asked that person to remove my name from her incessant blog but she has refused saying that I should have been more careful) She is right. I could have lived underground forever, but I run from no one any longer. God has a plan for me and I will trust in Him from now on.

No one can restore innocence or trust. Once damaged that way, you will never be the same, nor will your family, husband or boyfriend and any human relationship you will ever have. It has only been recently that I discovered a relationship that will not let me down and has healed me in many ways (not made me forget) and that is with God. Others call it their Creator, Buddha, Allah, Jehovah whoever. The point is, I had to release those men who had done such harm. Some I have forgiven ( which in the Hebrew it means to set free) And it was freeing.

I have with some and not yet with others, the pain is too fresh. But in God's time I am sure that healing will come as well. These memories have been brought back clear and focused by this stalking from this alleged woman; still working hard to pray for her but I am not finding it easy. She is taking away from my business which helps other survivors and how dare she do that?

No one has the right to stalk you, to hurt you. Please check with your state for your stalkers laws and get help from your local womens center.


  1. I came here to learn more about what was happening to the talented artists on Etsy, and how to avoid dealing with the crazy, and have come to find that this is a really great little corner of the web.

    Like yourself, I've survived DV and rape (although some members of my family were not so lucky), and I've long said the exact same thing you have posted in the "About Me" sidebar. My past does not define me. It shapes me. It was through a small network of support that I survived reasonably intact, and I salute those people who would help others find their voices (like yourself).

  2. Thank you.
    I take it by your comment, that someone close to you died from this violence against women. I am soooo sorry to hear of it. It took me a year to understand that I could have died. That others are not lucky ... and other times I call myself the walking dead. Just waiting for the pain to end. But with the therapy and drug therapy and prayer, I am coming to changes.

    Big mouths rock. but it is a curse too huh>? I struggle somedays not to crawl out of my skin, jumping at every sound. Other days I am as happy as I can remember. Perhaps that is the growth that happens.

    Angel I am mighty grateful to have met you and I thank you for sharing that pain and hope with me. I know how hard it is to do it.