Shoes in church
I showered and shaved
I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat
In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer
As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me
Touching my own I sighed.
With plenty of room on either side
I thought, 'Why must our soles touch?'
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine
But it didn't bother him much.
A prayer began: 'Our Father'
I thought, 'This man with the shoes, has no pride.
They're dusty, worn, and scratched.
Even worse, there are holes on the side!'
'Thank You for blessings,' the prayer went on.
The shoe man said a quiet 'Amen.'
I tried to focus on the prayer
But my thoughts were on his shoes again.
Aren't we supposed to look our best.
When walking through that door?
'Well, this certainly isn't it,' I thought,
Glancing toward the floor.
Then the prayer was ended
And the songs of praise began...
The shoe man was certainly loud
Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters
His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear
The shoe man's voice from the sky.
It was time for the offering
And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached
Into his pockets so deep...
I saw what was pulled out
What the shoe man put in...
Then I heard a soft 'clink'
As when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me
To tears, and that's no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man
For tears fell from his eyes.
At the end of the service
As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors,
And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow
And wanted to meet the shoe man...
So after the closing prayer
I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark
And his hair was truly a mess.
But I thanked him for coming
For being our guest.
He said, 'My name’s Charlie
I'm glad to meet you, my friend.'
There were tears in his eyes
But he had a large, wide grin.
'Let me explain,' he said
Wiping tears from his eyes.
'I've been coming here for months
And you're the first to say 'Hi...''
'I know that my appearance
'Is not like all the rest.
'But I really do try
'To always look my best.'
'I always clean and polish my shoes
'Before my very long walk...
'But by the time I get here
'They're dirty and dusty, like chalk.'
My heart filled with pain
And I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize
For daring to sit so near
He said, 'When I get here
'I know I must look a sight
'But I thought if I could touch you
'Then maybe our souls might unite.'
I was silent for a moment
Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison
I spoke from my heart, not my head.
'Oh, you've touched me,' I said
'And taught me, in part;
'That the best of any man
'Is what is found in his heart.'
The rest, I thought,
This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am
That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.
thanks linda...
Showing posts with label GOds love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label GOds love. Show all posts
Monday, April 5, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Taking Hostages ( My experience in Love)
I was talking today to a younger woman and explained how I had to own my bad behavior towards men. Granted, I have some issues with what was done to me and I can analyze, rationalize and all that BS about how I been done wrong in life. However, it is important to know that I did live as a victim and allowed some of that because I picked sick guys cus I was sick too.
How many times did i fall "in love" when I wanted them to give me what I wanted: security, adoration, safety, love, emotional support, yet I wasnt able or wanted to give the same in return? Sex and Boobs are a weapon/tool to get what some women need or want from a guy and that is really pathetic of me. I can "understand" why I did it, justify it etc... but bottom line was I took hostages and left emotional wreckage behind me throughout the years ( not all men were creeps who abused me) I used men to "feel" whatever and yet I dumped them as soon as I got them to love me or I was hurt in some superficial way. How can I ever find them to apologize, to make amends? I cannot, so therefore I chose to live my life as an amends. God created us to have love and companionship, not to use and hurt others in retaliation. My poor fiance pays the price almost weekly for the damages other men did to me. But yet I also pay for the harms done him.
I hope and pray that I taught my daughter better. that she will continue to grow as a young woman in Christ ( I came to Christ through her and her faith in me). She is much stronger than I in so many ways. I do not think she will be a doormat ( one hopes)
How many times did i fall "in love" when I wanted them to give me what I wanted: security, adoration, safety, love, emotional support, yet I wasnt able or wanted to give the same in return? Sex and Boobs are a weapon/tool to get what some women need or want from a guy and that is really pathetic of me. I can "understand" why I did it, justify it etc... but bottom line was I took hostages and left emotional wreckage behind me throughout the years ( not all men were creeps who abused me) I used men to "feel" whatever and yet I dumped them as soon as I got them to love me or I was hurt in some superficial way. How can I ever find them to apologize, to make amends? I cannot, so therefore I chose to live my life as an amends. God created us to have love and companionship, not to use and hurt others in retaliation. My poor fiance pays the price almost weekly for the damages other men did to me. But yet I also pay for the harms done him.
I hope and pray that I taught my daughter better. that she will continue to grow as a young woman in Christ ( I came to Christ through her and her faith in me). She is much stronger than I in so many ways. I do not think she will be a doormat ( one hopes)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Our past is our greatest asset
I have put this post off for months. It appears it is time to do it, although I want to say it in a way that does not sound like whining or a pity party. October is DV awareness month and I reckon my past is as valid as other's and if others can learn from my mistakes and stupid choices, then yay~!
In no way is this a poor pitiful me thing, because it is over and done with ( to a point). I am thinking aloud but also setting to rest some personal demons and taking back control of one part of my life. If this helps someone understand why women make these choices or helps someone face the truth of what they are undergoing, great.
October 3rd has been an anniversary of sorts for me, and not a nice one. For years, I have had a rough time from August to October because of assaults or issues that had happened in that time frame. Yesterday, I had an epiphany of sorts. It was time to finally see the good part of what happened. I found God at the bottom of the pit.
I was gang raped whilst pregnant. I lost the baby, I lost my mind and lost my self for years. The perpetrators were known ( one of them ) to me and was a wealthy friend of the family. I couldn't believe it. I refused to face it. I couldn't trust my own judgement. No one would believe that a rich guy like that would do something like that. I convinced myself I was just drunk and a slut. Months later, my now ex fiance, who worked at a hospital, finally asked me what the hell was going on: I was dressing in baggy clothes, wearing no make up, avoiding certain intimacies, withdrawing. I finally "confessed" to which he pointed out that he knew I didnt get drunk on two drinks... and I found out about Rohypnol. Roofies. A cheap pill ( about 5.00) that is illegal here but is easily obtained in Mexico and used for anesthesia in Mexico and other countries.
It also can only be detected in the blood stream for 24 hours, therefore if you suspect you have been drugged, get to the ER immediately and no matter how desperately you want a shower, DONT. Besides, no amount of soap and water is ever going to wash off the way you feel.
Because this guy was wealthy and a fine upstanding man of the community, it added to the confusion, pain and disbelief from family and others. At first I would tell no one of my shame. Later, they would ask me things like surely I had said or done something to bring this on. The creep had the nerve to continue to harass me at work and I would avoid him. I finally told a family member who confronted the jerk, to which he replied "but she wanted it". I had to begin convincing people I did not "hallucinate" it. My fiance thought since I did not tell the guy off and scream at him, that I must have willingly gone along with it. In fact, my ex fiance kept saying "they stole something from him" and kept pushing me for details of what they did to me so he could " take it back" by re enacting it. I was drugged so most of 8 hours of my life are gone. I dont know how many or who or if there is some horrid video out there... nothing. The two images I can remember were bad enough to live with. I dont know which is worse, knowing or imagination.
If any of you readers ever find yourself in a position where your "love " has turned into a selfish bastard, show him the door.... do not do it ease HIS pain at the sake of yours. It is worse than the first time round because your loved one is doing the same crime all over again. It is extremely important to feel safe, loved and secure after a crime like this. A survivor should be allowed to make some decisions about her life and not bullied further. She needs to be given a chance to recover.
I was sent to a psych after I finally had a breakdown, Doc put me on lots of meds and made me into a drooling zombie. I eventually went cold turkey off all of them and had a couple of suicide attempts ( incredibly selfish) The actual rape did not affect me as deeply as the triggering memories of my domestic violence abuse from 15 years earlier. This is shameful to admit, but there was a lot of stuff in my early life that was shaped by my family and the choices I made because of it. I picked bad men out of desperation for love and I settled for "less than" because of my own low self esteem. Healthy people are not attracted to sick folks just FYI :)
After the rape and loss of the baby, I was devastated. I had shoved all my memories of that time period aside to get on with life. I enrolled in school again, got pregnant and worked two jobs and attended college full time, drove myself to the hospital and drove us home afterwards.
I figured I can't change the past by wallowing in it; I had been molested as a kid and had a dad who left and a mom who drank. That is just life. Get on with it was our family motto. Bullshit. If you dont deal with things, eventually it comes back to bite ya on the ass, usually when you least expect it.
I had never really faced the abuse that I suffered at A's hands when I was 21. I remember the last time he tried to kill me, but I had forgotten the beatings so severe that I broke bones in my face, or the one where he kicked me repeatedly until I miscarried and the night he raped me again to "keep me with him forever". The mind is a stronghold to protect oneself until it is time to remember. I had neatly blocked it out for 15 years. Until the flashbacks began after this latest assault.
It has been a long 12 years since that night those men did that to me. And there are many more memories no need to scare you with or dredge up for some one to make fun of somewhere... ( yes there are some folks who like to use dirt to smear others)
The important thing is the epiphany... I had to lose everything, to get to the point of almost death from my extensive drug use ( legal and street) because I wanted never feel or think again. I had a new ex boyfriend who was breaking into my apt and raping me while I was asleep. I would wake up screaming. And no one could stop him. Cops dont like junkies too much. Eventually I would fall asleep with the lights on, knife in one hand and mace in the other. And yet he got me again. The final time he did it, I woke to him choking me until I passed out ( I assume he thought I was dead and that night someone set fire to my apartment.) All my daughter's baby books, pictures and Christmas gifts were destroyed or stolen. The taps were turned on and what wasnt destroyed by fire or smoke, was waterlogged. I truly had to lose everything to begin to hear that still voice of God. I had had so much pride I did not think I needed anyone ever to help me.... pitiful the way drugs affect the brain.
Once I was at the very end of my life, literally, I was so sick I had lost 54 pounds in 3 weeks. I was told I hadnt long to live because my liver had started shutting down. I was homeless because of the fire. I slept in the car or on the run b/c I was so paranoid. I went to Lakewood Church to ask them to help me believe because my daughter was a Christian and I wanted to see her again someday. I did not ask for healing. I had been a God hater most of my life, why would he spare me?
I spent 4.5 hours that day asking the woman counselor about why God allowed such pain, why he didnt hear my cries as a child? If He wanted my love and devotion, couldnt He have found a much better way than this? I was angry and she met me at my disbelief. She also explained other things like free will, but typical alcoholic thinker, when she said I "must have a big message and the devil is trying to distract me" my big ego bought that concept. LOL!
That was six years ago. It has been a long climb out of a pit of despair with God's hlp and guidance. But as I near the top of the cesspool of my old life, I see how far I have come and how I may find peace again. It is not easy, it is not fun to go thru therapy or nightmares or night sweats. I slept with the lights on for years. I still carry the scars of those attacks and I won't be the same. But I do now choose to see that October night as the beginning of my journey towards God;s outstretched arms.
My mom has been sober 26 years, I have 6 years. I have a restored loving relationship with my beautiful daughter. I no longer sleep in a car and I actually had a job when I was about a month sober. I eventually went from a God hater to a Youth Minister where I tried to share my past when needed with teens who were on my path. I sponsor other women in the AA program, I share with other survivors to tell them there is Hope and Help and Mercy....
But be forewarned: If you are a child of an alcoholic, you have an 85% chance of being one or marrying one ( better break that cycle before you torture your kids IMO) I hated alcohol and drunks... So I dated them instead. hmmm not a brilliant strategy for a positive life experience. I chose men who were abusive and bullies, it was not what I wanted, but I think I tried to fix what I never could fix as a kid. Please do something to help yourself and your family. If my past can teach you anything, then it has been worth the tell all...
In no way is this a poor pitiful me thing, because it is over and done with ( to a point). I am thinking aloud but also setting to rest some personal demons and taking back control of one part of my life. If this helps someone understand why women make these choices or helps someone face the truth of what they are undergoing, great.
October 3rd has been an anniversary of sorts for me, and not a nice one. For years, I have had a rough time from August to October because of assaults or issues that had happened in that time frame. Yesterday, I had an epiphany of sorts. It was time to finally see the good part of what happened. I found God at the bottom of the pit.
I was gang raped whilst pregnant. I lost the baby, I lost my mind and lost my self for years. The perpetrators were known ( one of them ) to me and was a wealthy friend of the family. I couldn't believe it. I refused to face it. I couldn't trust my own judgement. No one would believe that a rich guy like that would do something like that. I convinced myself I was just drunk and a slut. Months later, my now ex fiance, who worked at a hospital, finally asked me what the hell was going on: I was dressing in baggy clothes, wearing no make up, avoiding certain intimacies, withdrawing. I finally "confessed" to which he pointed out that he knew I didnt get drunk on two drinks... and I found out about Rohypnol. Roofies. A cheap pill ( about 5.00) that is illegal here but is easily obtained in Mexico and used for anesthesia in Mexico and other countries.
It also can only be detected in the blood stream for 24 hours, therefore if you suspect you have been drugged, get to the ER immediately and no matter how desperately you want a shower, DONT. Besides, no amount of soap and water is ever going to wash off the way you feel.
Because this guy was wealthy and a fine upstanding man of the community, it added to the confusion, pain and disbelief from family and others. At first I would tell no one of my shame. Later, they would ask me things like surely I had said or done something to bring this on. The creep had the nerve to continue to harass me at work and I would avoid him. I finally told a family member who confronted the jerk, to which he replied "but she wanted it". I had to begin convincing people I did not "hallucinate" it. My fiance thought since I did not tell the guy off and scream at him, that I must have willingly gone along with it. In fact, my ex fiance kept saying "they stole something from him" and kept pushing me for details of what they did to me so he could " take it back" by re enacting it. I was drugged so most of 8 hours of my life are gone. I dont know how many or who or if there is some horrid video out there... nothing. The two images I can remember were bad enough to live with. I dont know which is worse, knowing or imagination.
If any of you readers ever find yourself in a position where your "love " has turned into a selfish bastard, show him the door.... do not do it ease HIS pain at the sake of yours. It is worse than the first time round because your loved one is doing the same crime all over again. It is extremely important to feel safe, loved and secure after a crime like this. A survivor should be allowed to make some decisions about her life and not bullied further. She needs to be given a chance to recover.
I was sent to a psych after I finally had a breakdown, Doc put me on lots of meds and made me into a drooling zombie. I eventually went cold turkey off all of them and had a couple of suicide attempts ( incredibly selfish) The actual rape did not affect me as deeply as the triggering memories of my domestic violence abuse from 15 years earlier. This is shameful to admit, but there was a lot of stuff in my early life that was shaped by my family and the choices I made because of it. I picked bad men out of desperation for love and I settled for "less than" because of my own low self esteem. Healthy people are not attracted to sick folks just FYI :)
After the rape and loss of the baby, I was devastated. I had shoved all my memories of that time period aside to get on with life. I enrolled in school again, got pregnant and worked two jobs and attended college full time, drove myself to the hospital and drove us home afterwards.
I figured I can't change the past by wallowing in it; I had been molested as a kid and had a dad who left and a mom who drank. That is just life. Get on with it was our family motto. Bullshit. If you dont deal with things, eventually it comes back to bite ya on the ass, usually when you least expect it.
I had never really faced the abuse that I suffered at A's hands when I was 21. I remember the last time he tried to kill me, but I had forgotten the beatings so severe that I broke bones in my face, or the one where he kicked me repeatedly until I miscarried and the night he raped me again to "keep me with him forever". The mind is a stronghold to protect oneself until it is time to remember. I had neatly blocked it out for 15 years. Until the flashbacks began after this latest assault.
It has been a long 12 years since that night those men did that to me. And there are many more memories no need to scare you with or dredge up for some one to make fun of somewhere... ( yes there are some folks who like to use dirt to smear others)
The important thing is the epiphany... I had to lose everything, to get to the point of almost death from my extensive drug use ( legal and street) because I wanted never feel or think again. I had a new ex boyfriend who was breaking into my apt and raping me while I was asleep. I would wake up screaming. And no one could stop him. Cops dont like junkies too much. Eventually I would fall asleep with the lights on, knife in one hand and mace in the other. And yet he got me again. The final time he did it, I woke to him choking me until I passed out ( I assume he thought I was dead and that night someone set fire to my apartment.) All my daughter's baby books, pictures and Christmas gifts were destroyed or stolen. The taps were turned on and what wasnt destroyed by fire or smoke, was waterlogged. I truly had to lose everything to begin to hear that still voice of God. I had had so much pride I did not think I needed anyone ever to help me.... pitiful the way drugs affect the brain.
Once I was at the very end of my life, literally, I was so sick I had lost 54 pounds in 3 weeks. I was told I hadnt long to live because my liver had started shutting down. I was homeless because of the fire. I slept in the car or on the run b/c I was so paranoid. I went to Lakewood Church to ask them to help me believe because my daughter was a Christian and I wanted to see her again someday. I did not ask for healing. I had been a God hater most of my life, why would he spare me?
I spent 4.5 hours that day asking the woman counselor about why God allowed such pain, why he didnt hear my cries as a child? If He wanted my love and devotion, couldnt He have found a much better way than this? I was angry and she met me at my disbelief. She also explained other things like free will, but typical alcoholic thinker, when she said I "must have a big message and the devil is trying to distract me" my big ego bought that concept. LOL!
That was six years ago. It has been a long climb out of a pit of despair with God's hlp and guidance. But as I near the top of the cesspool of my old life, I see how far I have come and how I may find peace again. It is not easy, it is not fun to go thru therapy or nightmares or night sweats. I slept with the lights on for years. I still carry the scars of those attacks and I won't be the same. But I do now choose to see that October night as the beginning of my journey towards God;s outstretched arms.
My mom has been sober 26 years, I have 6 years. I have a restored loving relationship with my beautiful daughter. I no longer sleep in a car and I actually had a job when I was about a month sober. I eventually went from a God hater to a Youth Minister where I tried to share my past when needed with teens who were on my path. I sponsor other women in the AA program, I share with other survivors to tell them there is Hope and Help and Mercy....
But be forewarned: If you are a child of an alcoholic, you have an 85% chance of being one or marrying one ( better break that cycle before you torture your kids IMO) I hated alcohol and drunks... So I dated them instead. hmmm not a brilliant strategy for a positive life experience. I chose men who were abusive and bullies, it was not what I wanted, but I think I tried to fix what I never could fix as a kid. Please do something to help yourself and your family. If my past can teach you anything, then it has been worth the tell all...
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