A terrible Mistake I made and Learned

Sorry for the lapse in Posting boys and girls...

Since I wrote last, Husband left me, apparently cus I was raped and he couldnt deal. Low blow to say that crap. Firsst it wass cus he was starting to get physical with me and it scared him. ( not like he was going to do anything about fixing it,m and I had slid into that "if I try harder mentality, he will be happier.... HOLY CRAP !!"

Where had Cindy Gone???


He disappeared for two weeks before popping up with that one. Left me with no income, no rent money and food. I was rambling roud in the dark praying crying and sleeping in closets..,.He did eventually talk about providing til I got on feet financially ( I mm on disability and much of my money goes to Neurologist and docs cus of brain damage from DV 24 years ago.)I ve had three surgeries in last month, plus all the docs and meds... guess where my disability goes haha.



He did give me credit for fighting thru therapy, docs, psych and all to get better and it was a long road...( grand of him) Couldnt have done it without him I suppose. Bad thing was He was the strong silent type so I did it alone and he never spoke up about anything or went to docs or therapy with me to see how he could help. SUpport your family members yall.

So for those readers with spouses/friends/family dealing with this stuff

1. do not blame her for crimes against her. I know I felt less than for years,. Defective, damaged goods and I would never be normal again. He reiterated it when he left me. Made it even worse. Just support or if you cant bite the bullet and keep your yap shut.

2. If you are survivor, You are a SURVIVOR. You got through the worse thing ever in whatever way you could. You lived even if it doesnt feel like living at times...

3. You are worthy of love, respect and honor by those who love you, including family husbands and parents. If they dont believe or blame you, that is their problem not yours. Walk away Run away get away. You have to save your self before you begin to believe the lies they feed you. I am worthwhile. God has plans for you. Yoou may be able to reach others like yourself that no one else understands. But first you put the oxegyn mask on you before you put it on the baby.

4. GET HELP, GET THERAPY, GET COUNSELING, GET IT ALL. Do not rely upon family to help you because they are dealing with issues of it themselves. Its sad but it does affect them too.. Even if it doesnt show, or manifest it self in ways you want.







Oh and by the way, He had another girlfriend, thats why he left. He had a whole secret life I never bothered to snoop into. I trusted him. It wasnt ME, he just was done and wanted out. He admitted he should have spoke up about his needs. and eventually apologized for the low cutting remarks. Too bad. Words are like water, you cant take them back once said. ( that goes for you too ladies)


I felt so much freer knowing it was a change of chicks than something as I was a horrible person. I survived so much, gang rape, loss of a pregnancy during that, attempted murder and the fire that made me homeless and eating out of garbage cans for months while I was drinking my self to death after all this crap cus I wouldnt get help... Pride will get ya everytime.

So what if he swapped me for a blonde?> Truly, in the scheme of things, Life has been much harder and I much happier now. He did me a favor. And I honestly can say thanks and I want himm happy too. He broke alot of promises, but that is for him and God to sort out. Mine is to learn how to make enough money to live on, without going over the govt cap of 1000.00

So now I the official poor person haha. But I am rich in spirit! Good will works, food banks and churches have been kind.

But to each of you women, a warning: Plan for this. I did not and I m payig now for it. Set aside 10% of each paycheck or money you get and put it in YOUR name and never touch it.