Thursday, January 12, 2012

Oh Goody

I had a swell week last week. Thought I would share with all you kids. Maybe it would benefit someone out there because it sure didnt make a fun week for me.

Last Thursday I m working on my Etsy stores ( I sell my jewelry and supplies on line to supplement my lil ol disabililty check). I had the patio door open since it was broad daylight, mid morning in a quiet neighborhood in a small town.

A loud noise from the patio makes my dog bark like mad, I look up to see three cops in my doorway with guns drawn and pointed at the floor shouting they were looking for a Hispanic male who just raped the next door neighbor. Well I m surely not hiding the bastard under my nightgown and now Im scared. They leave, telling me to lock everything down.

We were surrounded by cops, helicopters and news crews all day. I was spooked like hell as the flash backs from my own attack came unbidden. I left for awhile but I had to return eventually. Of course, I got cornered my one news quy who asked if I thought the lady would be ok.

Hell no she wont be ok. She might be physically ok, but she will never be the same. She was doing her job ( it was the leasing agent) on a sunny day and some idiot decided to ruin her life. I spoke up to the Hispanic audience ( I got the Telemundo guy for some reason) and urged the women who saw this to reach out and get help, to not suffer in silence yada yada. He asks my name at the end. I tell him my first name. And then the Goob asks for my last name. I told him " I dont think so!"

Unfortunately, I sound much braver on paper or in voice print. I turned in to a ball of jellyfish on a Galveston Beach at high tide. I shook and couldnt sleep for days. I began having nightmares for some reason and wouldnt turn the lights off. What ever was wrong since this had not happened to me??

APparently, even though my own rape was ten years ago, flashbacks and PTSD, is forever. I had to schedule some new counseling, new therapy and do some heavy crying this week. I felt totally helpless and like a big tittybaby. How could this be?

Oh I am full of anger that this crap can still affect me and then I think... I cant be the only one that lives like this. That noises can still startle me right now. what I feared the most is that this visceral, animal like fear was blocking my relationship with God. The one thing that had sustained me over the last ten years of my recovery. I had not believed for so long and slowly came to believe as I go sober.

Driven by a hundred forms of fear I drank to block out my feelings. As I sobered up and relied on Him, I grew in my faith that He would not forsake me. Yet that fear last Thursday was so intense and so bleak and desolate, I was frightened beyond words and thought I would never feel that strength from Him again.

I am happy to report that as the week has progressed and withthe help of talking with girlfriends and a counselor at the womens center, I am beginning to feel that faith ( or at least the lessening of the fear) and with that, I feel hope.


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