Friday, August 20, 2010

medical profession, mental illness Stigma and stupidity

this is a rant... if you dont like those, run away fast.

I am sick of being sick. I am sick of doctors for the brain, the heart, the strokes the shite ya have to go thru with nurses not faxing insurance companies,  the two docs not  contacting each other. 

Add to that a therapist and a psychiatrist and just the regular old falling apart of old freaking ladies... I am FRUSTRATED. I want to knee cap someone, anyone will do. But I wont, cus that would mean I am crazy.

the words hurt : mental defect, Mentally ill, disorders, mood problems, might be your heart, might be the stress, blah blah freaking blah.

I was told yesterday by a "well meaning" family member that I am a tortured soul, they want the old me back.  Well who the F is the old me:? there  has been many apparently.  talking to someone they said, I like the happy, jolly funny one.  I HAVE FREAKING BI POLAR! there is always going to be one or the other!  My moods ( mixed episodes clinically) change often.  I have come to terms this is the way I am. Bonus is nothing lasts that long, : the anger, frustration, irritations, euphoria, happiness, sadness, depression, tears.  If it sucks being around me, imagine BEING me.

I hate hurting friends and family cus they cant fix me. they want to help. I take a few meds to help tone me down.  sometimes they stop working, and the joyous journey of searching for a new one begins with Doc.  stepping down over week, building up a new one over weeks and then see if that works. Hey maybe this extra will help you cindy... NO FREAKING Thank you.

Sometimes I miss the old me, pre rape, pre mentally interesting.  And then I think of all the enjoyment and fulfillment that went with that... picking  irresponsibly, drinking, drugs to numb the pain of being an asshat who picked guys who beat me, self injury, suicide attempts, blah blah freaking blah.

Ultimately it is I who do all that. regardless if I have a brain injury, mental illness, or whatever.  Now that I have changed through working with a support team, support group that holds me accountable, I just cant do those things anymore.  But my brain is broken and I m trying to fix it with something that IS BROKEN.

aint that a conundrum?   so mom wants the "prognosis"  I asked her what difference does that make?  Prognosis is that I could get worse, the more stress I have, the faster my episodes will happen.  Add  living with the PTSD and all the FUN that goes with that, it  becomes a circus in my head.. Oh and normal stress like balancing a checkbook can and will make me cry ... how funny.   But I have no problem getting into massive arguments over NOTHING. 

I will cross the block three times to cross the street.  On paper I dont sound too all over the place, I dont have pressured speech, I slow my brain down ( or its the meds.. I dont know who I am anymoe) other than a child of God and for some reason I got this hand...( brain wise) I picked the cards for the rest of the genius decisions. 


  1. <3 I am so sorry you don't have the support you need.

  2. Some people go through life never knowing the incredible highs or the despair of the lows. Their lives are monochromatic and you'll never have that kind of boredom, lol. You're an artist! You can't be an artist without seeing life in all its intensity - consider yourself lucky you still have all your ears!
    Your rants are from your justifiable frustration and I'll bet we've all learned something from them.
    There's only one you and we're all lucky to know you as you are, happy, irritable or mad as hell. It doesn't suck at all.

  3. Sad that anyone would say that, Cindy! I think we're supposed to go in stages as we live our lives. We're supposed to change some along the way. I think you're great no matter what. Because of YOU, others find life worth living!