Monday, March 1, 2010

Taking Hostages ( My experience in Love)

I was talking today to a younger woman and explained how I had to own my bad behavior towards men.  Granted, I have some issues with what was done to me and I can analyze, rationalize and all that BS about how I been done wrong in life.  However, it is important to know that I did live as a victim and allowed some of that because I picked sick guys cus I was sick too.

How many times did i fall "in love" when I wanted them to give me what I wanted: security, adoration, safety, love, emotional support, yet I wasnt able or wanted to give the same in return?  Sex and Boobs are a weapon/tool to get what some women need or want from a guy and that is really pathetic of me.  I can "understand" why I did it, justify it etc... but bottom line was I took hostages and left emotional wreckage behind me throughout the years ( not all men were  creeps who abused me) I used men to "feel" whatever and yet I dumped them as soon as I got them to love me or I was hurt in some superficial way.  How can I ever find them to apologize, to make amends? I cannot, so therefore I chose to live my life as an amends.  God created us to have love and companionship, not to use and hurt others in retaliation. My poor fiance pays the price almost weekly for the damages other men did to me.  But yet I also pay for the harms done him.

I hope and pray that I taught my daughter better. that she will continue to grow as a young woman in Christ ( I came to Christ through her and her faith in me).  She is much stronger than I in so many ways.  I do not think she will be a doormat ( one hopes)

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