Tonight I saw bigotry up close and it was ugly

I live in a large city in America.  I m a white middle aged woman, a Christian ....

 Land of the Free , brave and all that.  Men and women have died for our rights in this country for hundreds of years.  We have the right to speak as we feel ( within parameters set by the courts of the land). We can carry guns. We have the right to worship anyway we wish to do.  We have the freedom and protection from our Bill of Rights. ( against self incrimination, illegal search and seizure and so on.) 

We can burn the flag ( which is sacrilege to me, considering the blood that was shed for that right)  The Klan has the right to their "speech"  Because the same right that protects them, protects me. ( and all Americans).


Anyway, as a jewelry designer, I like other countries ethnic pieces, whether Bedouin, Kuchi, Kundaan, Jhumki, Polki, headdresses, Tikkas etc. I like experimenting with new looks and combos. I am an artist. I have never really fit the "norm" ever since that first mohawk of orange and black in 1983.

Tonight, in the year 2010, I saw the ugliest thing I have ever seen.  I was so in shock until now, I dont know how anyone could be so disgusting.  I ve heard sexist lame, disgusting words that will not be repeated here. Suffice to say it was ignorance from "a Manly Man"

On with the strange trek back into the 1930s.

I like to wear different sorts of clothes, Salwaar Kameez, Embroidered peasant blouses, overalls, jeans and dressy tunics, Kurtis, ball gowns, hats whatever.  Lately I have worn some tunic type clothes over jeans.    Odd that I am discussing what I was wearing... like I had to defend myself back when I got raped .  There are women and men of all ethnicities, races and styles in a city of 5 million.  They have the same rights as we all do. 

I have had an ignorant, self righteous idiot harass me for the 4th or 5th day, each day, making comments about where is my scratch off dot ( red dot that Hindu women wear)  or where are my camels out back, told me what? you going to wear an Al queda bomb next?  the next day he ranted LOUDLY about all Muslims need to die because they are terrorists.  ( huh??? what an ass.  No religion I know of demands that one kill another person.  )  I have been praying for him (until tonight) because my faith asks me to love my brother.

 I explained  I have friends that are Muslim, do they need to die?   He replied yes because all Muslims are...blah blah blah IDIOT>

My friends over the years, are wonderful and do not wish to harm anyone. I also have Wiccan, Pagan, Jewish and few Pentecostal friends.   There are many paths people follow to find their way to their God. And only God can judge a man's soul/heart IMO.

 tonight this "human" came barrelling up to me again, yelling "are you F ing stupid? are you sick you want that much attention? You are F ing sick.. etc. You're going to DIE!!! You are going to DIE!!! within 18 inches of my face.  All because I was wearing a Tikka and a pair of earrings with a salwaar kameez.  ( the Tikka is a hair piece)

 As any DV survivor would normally do, I shoved him away from me.  Anything to get distance.  All I heard was a man sreaming you are going to die.  My abuser said that sort of crap as he put a gun to my head. 

I did not think; I just reacted in instinct and fear.   Big change for me!! I did not cry, flinch or weenie out.  (To be honest, I was in shock cus it happened so fast.)

  This person has been around me for 13 months. I have worn irritating clothing ( in his eyes) 3-4 times.    Rather than consider me as a person that he has known, with feelings, rights, and knowing my faith in God ( which is not important to the discussion, but I happen to be Christian.  ) this sphincter decided he needed to impart the info in a disgusting , threatening manner.  I thought that the fact he was arrested for domestic violence  last year ( not to me, his family and wife) would have taught him a lesson.   God knows how he feels about people he does not profess to love/care for.

 I will be damned if I will be attacked again.  Yet now I sit here and feel guilty/ashamed  cus I should have not made waves by wearing the wrong thing ( reminscinent of survivor guilt? sound familiar girls?) Where the heck did that come from? why is it that women take the blame onto themselves for others bad behaviours??

and for the record:

Umm, I thought we were friendly with the Pakistani and East Indians? that we were helping in Afghanistan? Fighting the Taliban that shoves their faith down their peoples throats? So why hate people because of the way they dress or believe? it is like comparing all Christians to the bonehead Pastor who wants to burn the Q'uaran this weekend.

making fun of survivors and mentally deficient people....

I noticed recently, that there is a couple of dingalings that mistake the posts in here (or around the web) is about THEM.   Please allow me to  clarify.  Look in your rearview mirror. Is the world revolving around your sorry butt?  No????!!! Egads, whatever shall you do?

How about having compassion for others.?  

then maybe a blog post is just a post..I get ideas for posts from life experiences, observing others and learning about people ingeneral. It helps me sort thru things cus as you will find out later,  I m "nuts and mental" and all that crap according to this paragon of kindness.

Disclaimer:  this blog is  not directed at you, your grampas dog or the flood you survived in 1898.

So there will be no mistake::

 this blog is a womens rights/domestic violence and rape survivors blog which is meant to educate people, save some heartache and to speak out for those who do not have a voice any longer.  I started it becuase I feel strongly that laws and lives will not change until more speak out, think differently. I have had bad things happen as many do, and I chose to deal with the aftermath by trying to make a difference in someones life.  It was put on my heart that God did not want me to waste my life being selfish and cruel to others ( I had lots of practice in my short drug career cus lets face it, druggies are not the sweetest folks.)  We are out for numero uno. ANything to dull the pain of the memories and then it becomes a physical obsession, a disease.

 It is not supposed to be a whiny ass, boohoo thing ( although I have been in morbid reflections at times as I grow up.)  I think one becomes teachable and grows more so as time progresses.  I do not care what people with little minds think of me. I know from years of dealing with survivors, that sometimes, mean people are alive and well and hiding their fangs.


You can get help and have a normal life without blaming others for your misfortunes.
Do not be detered little ones.  Get the help you need so that you do not digress into this other type of behaviors and misery.   You do not have to be a bitter old woman with lots of bad choices  and ex hubbys who molest your kids and no one left to love you.

I was directed by a friend to another person's blog which showed their true beliefs in the mentally ill, the issues others have.   They have actually attacked " drunken sluts who like to party and blamed the victims  for the rapes or situations." Paraphrase mine...

  Intolerance is actually fear. And what exactly is she afraid of that she has to be intolerant or have false pride?  who cares? toxic people are not worth being around. God will straighten all that out, I m sure of that.
I quote b/c she will probably remove it.:
 .... every right to state it as you do when you act like a fool, call people names, curse them out and try to make yourself look so superior .... then ask everyone to forgive you cause your nuts and off your drugs.

People can be valuable teachers of tolerance.

Do You Hear the Words coming Out of Your Mouth???

 Scenario:  Person one says something like  "my purse was stolen"   maybe the person even got knocked down... ,  second person  parries with A) Oh my story is even worse!  blah blah blab...
Or B)  Oh that sucks.. I had that happen, I felt like had been raped.

 

 

um NO.

 

First person is just relating info, second person ( Ignoramus) really makes alot of mistakes IMHO, by trying to" outdo" or sympathise, in a passive aggressive pissing match...  The very mention of the word RAPE( out of context, usually used by people who HAVE not been through the joys of having your "sense of self" and safety stripped away literally) demeans , belittles or down plays what REAL victims of this crime have been through.

 

It denies the ones who no longer have a voice.
It makes others  who have survived feel LESS THAN,
Less likely to speak up, to feel worse because
Hey its just like a purse snatching, burglary, meh.

• " You should be over it cus its no big deal, just bad sex". 
• "You shouldnt have dressed that way"
• "You should have known better".
• "You shouldnt have been drinking".
• "You got what you deserved"  
• "You are just a whore"              ad infinitum.

Believe me, I ve heard, with my own lil ears, women be told these things.  It's called secondary wounding when friends, acquaintances, family disbelieve or try to blame the victim because they see the victim as a regular person up til then.  If it could happen to HER then it might happen to THEIR mom or sister or child or wife. So it has to be HER fault.


It takes away from the impact of the word RAPE.  Not burglary, not arson, not getting beat up cus you stole something from your ex... RAPE

Look at it this way:
Burglary:  Messy, broken dishes or things, fingerprint powder, cops not helpful but not hostile either. Shock at first,  but no need to PROVE you were robbed.  They take your word for it. You file an insurance claim, maybe talk it out with friends, remembering this could have been worse.

 

Rape: Disbelief by friends and family is commonplace.  Cops treat you as a suspect  to a certain extent: ( this is if one survives the rape, some dont.) 

you have to PROVE your chastity/virtue.

*8 hour rape kit complete with pubic hair combing standing on a sheet to gather body fluids, hairs and fibers. Be scraped, poked, swabbed, prodded in the very area that was once YOURS.  Your very inner being has been violated,  where a woman births her children, makes love with her partner of HER choice, it is her essence. At least she still has her mind. ( for awhile, and even that rebels eventually)

Now,
IF the guy is caught
If the woman can get courage to press charges. ( especially in DV rape)
IF the DA thinks there is a chance to win the case, you are in for  hours of prepping, lots of backlash even from family members.
then the trial, the questions, the dirty feelings  again.  Facing him down, praying that he does not get out and seek revenge.



    Rape is not about sex or if you were drinking... IT is A CRIME.  Longterm  outcome: suicide attempts, long showers scrubbing the stench and feel away and never getting clean enough.  Therapy and lots of it over the years, maybe medications. Emergency Birth Control, AIDS testing for up to 18 months while you and your partner pick up the shattered pieces of your love life.  Meanwhile, he has to wear a condom just so you don't pass the STD on to him. the atack is forever present between the two of you. Your partner has suffered a loss as well.  Your family, children pay the price for the attack as well ( and you feel guilt about THAT one too.) because they dont have the same mommy around. 

 

No matter how hard you try to get on with life, it is always in your mind.  Sure therapy helps, but a scent, a song, a sound can trigger a flashback even years later; especially if one has not dealt with it strongly and swiftly with therapy early on! Please get help!

 

 

So tell me, how this is just like being raped? 

 

When  we bandy about a word about like Rape, we dishonor the survivors young and old, the dead ones who did not survive their attack,  and the ones who could not stand anymore...to be the walking dead... seeing no hope and taking the exit elevator.   Worse still, we are sending a message to others that there really isn't anything unique about this crime.  How wrong you are.

 

 

   Ever want a special button for the Internet? I picture a buzzer hardwired to my keyboard so I could give certain folks a little jolt when they type something stupidly hurtful..  Be a dumb ass and ZAP! ( just as a reminder, a second thought button so to speak. " are you sure you REALLY want to send this tripe??"   )

 

    I would like to think people think type before they write. I want to be the naive believer I was years ago, however the older I get, the more I see that some people are just needing to look down on people.

 

 Would they say that carp to people's faces??  I doubt they could do it in real life.  Too much chance to have their nose popped...just sayin...

 

 The thoughtless/moralistic/self righteous/ignorant  are more obsessed with the sound of their own thoughts  at times, than they are with care and concern for other's feelings.  JMHO.  Feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think...even if you are one of those idiots that compares tit for tat.

Virginia slaying tied to 2005 sexual assault: Society allows this crime to thrive?

My message: I believe the mom of this poor kid said it best: "the social framework that views women as prey".  Media and men ( and some women) have for the last 100 years ( or more) have seen women as expendable, a commodity, a joke, something to be kept in "her place". 

While it is true that most rapists are not "caught" until their 8th rape, some elude for much longer, evolving into serial rapists and oftentimes killers because the power and relief they get is shortlived.  They continue to stalk prey, often deriving as much pleasure in knowing they will be doing to the victim.  They like the cat and mouse part of it. I do not believe rape is a crime of opportunity  as some make it out. I think that many are premeditated.

Regardless of their planning, society has set up a perpetual circle of  girls thinking less than  of themselves, parading about in clothes that only sexualizes the young girl ( and these are parents that are teaching their daughters their only worth is what is in their undies!).  I never thought I would sound like an old church lady....but I was one of those who only had self esteem based on what men told me.  I dressed to impress, disregarding that part of me like my intelligence, demanding respect for myself and my abilities.  

Look at the magazine rack... it starts with Tiger Beat ( oh how I loved Donnie Osmond)  and then glamour, where I learn how to dress like a hooker while demanding to be treated like the CEO or other execs.  Cosmo mag to tell me how to catch a man with 645 scintillating sexual moves, on  to Brides magazine where I plan what to do once I ensnare some slob who treats me like dirt.  I wake to find that fairy tales are BS and that happily ever after is for the late night movie.

I have walked in and heard men in 2010!!!! telling stupid rape jokes, sexist jokes, objectifying women.  These are men I thought I knew fairly well and were quasi less caveman than other men.  Shows how it is still there... simmering under the surface for many of them.

RAPE IS WRONG. It wont stop until men "save us women" by making it known to their brethren that this crap isnt funny, there are huge consequences to the raped person....sometimes deadly.

Feel free to discuss in the comment section.


Click here for complete story
Gil Harrington, a nurse, said her daughter's case shows that "the social framework that views women as prey" needs to be changed.

"It is something that I think you have to start from young ages with children, that you're training them not to beat up and not to act out," she said. "But you would think in 2010 that we would be working on issues of cherishing and upholding each other in relationships rather than can we just stop hurting each other. But unfortunately, that's where we're stuck. We have to disallow it."